So I just finished a book on men's purity called every man's battle. The book has become a staple for men's groups, men's pastors, and really any man who is struggling with purity issues. Aside from its practical content on this subject, the authors also touch on something I have been thinking about lately.
Chapter 17 (Yes, there are seventeen chapters in this 200-page book) is titled "Cherishing Your One and Only." The term "cherish" is explored a bit. To the authors, a wife is a blessing to a husband and should be treated as such. As a picture of the opposite of cherishing, we are told of Nathan's confrontation of King David after he has killed Uriah, Bathsheba's husband. A poor man's precious ewe lamb was taken from him by a rich man who didn't want to slaughter one of his own lambs for to feed a traveler. (2 Samuel 12.1-4) The poor man thought of this lamb as if it were his own daughter, and although the rich man had plenty of livestock, he still took it. The authors say of this story "The rich man in the story represented David, who saw Bathsheba only as someone he could devour to satisfy his sexual longings, but Uriah, "the poor man," saw his "lamb" as the joy of his life, his pet to cherish, to sleep in his arms. Uriah had only one wife; a faithful man like him could have only one. His ewe lamb, Bathsheba, bounced and pranced and frolicked and laughed with him, bringing him great joy."
Now, men and women are not the same. Otherwise, we would be just "humans" and we would all go about our lives much differently. I also realize that egalitarianism, feminism, and the like are recent movements, although proponents cite even Jesus' incredible elevation of the status of women in the first century AD. What I am aware of in the feminist debate mostly is the use of language, since that is the place most of us in the dark on this subject are introduced to it. In my case, of the gender neutral language in the greek texts and how it differs from the english versions of the Bible we have today. Of the Bible scholars who are now rendering "people" or "persons" in translations instead of "all men" in order to capture the neutrality of the universal nature of the original meaning. Of the objection of some feminists to be refered to as "lady" as the term was used originally to refer to the trophy-wife of aristocrats.
I can respect these things, although I understand not all women are to this extreme in their feminist thought. What confuses me is whether wives expect to be treated as they are in their marriage the same way their fathers treated them. Nathan speaks of the poor man's relationship to his ewe lamb - it delighted him as it pranced and played, and he loved it like a daughter. The authors of the book go on to talk about how men should cherish their wives as the poor man, faithful as he was, cherished his ewe lamb. Is this truly how women want to be treated? In my observation of father-daughter relationships I can honestly say I don't see fathers respecting their daughters the way I anticipate my wife will want to be respected - for her creativity, her passion, her intelligence and wit - her captivation of my passion.
Maybe I ponder this (apparent) dichotomy because I am not married. Men - is it all much easier than I imagine? Women - how is it you expect your husbands to love and cherish you?
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Thanks Sally Field
What kind of love has a man if he gives nothing up for it?
From Sally Field's Character, Nora, on Brothers and Sisters
From Sally Field's Character, Nora, on Brothers and Sisters
Friday, October 06, 2006
Random Ramblings
I find myself in a funk. Time to type myself out!
I have been out of a relationship for five years. This came to my attention in the last few days. Five years is a LONG time. It comprises almost 20% of my life to this point. The funny thing is I haven't cared to be in a relationship since. The first few years (yes, I said YEARS) I was still healing over the breakup. Then my friend Jeff took a liking to a certain girl...
Jeff met his future bride in June. She was invited to pick rocks on his farm so he could get to know her better. We all should have known there was something wrong with her when she agreed. They were inseparable for the summer. If they weren't picking rocks or cleaning the farm shop on rainy days, they were together in his tractor hoeing until the wee hours of the morning. Soon the summer was over and she needed to go back for her fifth year at school to try and finish her associates degree. Before she left there was a ring on her finger and they had set a date for 12 months from then to be married.
Twelve months turned to four and by January they were married. By February they were separated and he had a restraining order against him. In October they had their first child and Jeff has hardly seen the baby since. The child is now a year old and it is officially from a broken home.
Pain. Pain is something we share with others. It is inflicted on others or borne by good friends. I still can feel the pain caused by my parents divorce. A story will bring it back or maybe a walk down memory lane. The story that brought me back to my pain was shared by a new friend tonight.
Her parents were married happily for 35 years when he turned his back on the church and left his wife and their family. I related my own story - parents divorced when I was in grade school. Our stories are similar, but the freshness of her experience was very startling. She didn't say much about it, but I could feel it. I could feel it when she guardedly made her platonic intentions known when I first contacted her. I could feel it when she matter-of-factly told me she did not care where her father was.
Living alone keeps a person in a bubble. (OK everyone - I am finally getting to my point) Until I finally got ahold of my new friend it had been five years since I went somewhere with a relatively new friend to do something fun. It was refreshing. What I hadn't anticipated was a sort of depression to follow our very funny movie (we saw Open Season - have to recommend it) that haunts me as I plan to head out tomorrow to a friend's wedding in NH.
My bubble is a cocoon of my own design. I like things easy. I hate drama and those who stir it up. I have effectively created a little world where I can escape the petty family fights, the stress of work and most of all, the pain of relationships gone bad. While I am often able to throw off depression with sheer will (in High School I found that doing happy things makes a person happy eventually - whistling, singing, etc.), one cannot throw off a person's burden for them. My new friend is in the early stages of recovering from this life altering episode. A true friend experiences that pain and agony alongside the afflicted one. Goodbye, bubble!
Funny my last post was about sharing one another's burdens. Funny also how if my new friend had shared that burden with a person who had no experience with divorce would have not been nearly as affected. Her burden has now become mine to wrestle with as well.
This funk is very similar to those I first experienced in Houghton. I could be having a perfectly good evening and then - like a light switch - I needed to remove myself from others because I couldn't handle the crowds, the chaos - the others. Although not a frequent occurrence, it was startling. The funk I am in now is similar, but more severe. I feel overwhelming pain, but not my own. I haven't felt badly about my family situation for almost fifteen years.
My only comfort is that these funks didn't usually last until morning. Hopefully this is the case again today, because I have to drive to NH and help friends celebrate their holy union.
Lord - help me be ever mindful of the ways I alter the lives of others. May I bring healing and never destruction or pain. May I bear burdens without creating them. May I depend on Jesus for strength, and see clearly who God uses to bring comfort when I need it.
I have been out of a relationship for five years. This came to my attention in the last few days. Five years is a LONG time. It comprises almost 20% of my life to this point. The funny thing is I haven't cared to be in a relationship since. The first few years (yes, I said YEARS) I was still healing over the breakup. Then my friend Jeff took a liking to a certain girl...
Jeff met his future bride in June. She was invited to pick rocks on his farm so he could get to know her better. We all should have known there was something wrong with her when she agreed. They were inseparable for the summer. If they weren't picking rocks or cleaning the farm shop on rainy days, they were together in his tractor hoeing until the wee hours of the morning. Soon the summer was over and she needed to go back for her fifth year at school to try and finish her associates degree. Before she left there was a ring on her finger and they had set a date for 12 months from then to be married.
Twelve months turned to four and by January they were married. By February they were separated and he had a restraining order against him. In October they had their first child and Jeff has hardly seen the baby since. The child is now a year old and it is officially from a broken home.
Pain. Pain is something we share with others. It is inflicted on others or borne by good friends. I still can feel the pain caused by my parents divorce. A story will bring it back or maybe a walk down memory lane. The story that brought me back to my pain was shared by a new friend tonight.
Her parents were married happily for 35 years when he turned his back on the church and left his wife and their family. I related my own story - parents divorced when I was in grade school. Our stories are similar, but the freshness of her experience was very startling. She didn't say much about it, but I could feel it. I could feel it when she guardedly made her platonic intentions known when I first contacted her. I could feel it when she matter-of-factly told me she did not care where her father was.
Living alone keeps a person in a bubble. (OK everyone - I am finally getting to my point) Until I finally got ahold of my new friend it had been five years since I went somewhere with a relatively new friend to do something fun. It was refreshing. What I hadn't anticipated was a sort of depression to follow our very funny movie (we saw Open Season - have to recommend it) that haunts me as I plan to head out tomorrow to a friend's wedding in NH.
My bubble is a cocoon of my own design. I like things easy. I hate drama and those who stir it up. I have effectively created a little world where I can escape the petty family fights, the stress of work and most of all, the pain of relationships gone bad. While I am often able to throw off depression with sheer will (in High School I found that doing happy things makes a person happy eventually - whistling, singing, etc.), one cannot throw off a person's burden for them. My new friend is in the early stages of recovering from this life altering episode. A true friend experiences that pain and agony alongside the afflicted one. Goodbye, bubble!
Funny my last post was about sharing one another's burdens. Funny also how if my new friend had shared that burden with a person who had no experience with divorce would have not been nearly as affected. Her burden has now become mine to wrestle with as well.
This funk is very similar to those I first experienced in Houghton. I could be having a perfectly good evening and then - like a light switch - I needed to remove myself from others because I couldn't handle the crowds, the chaos - the others. Although not a frequent occurrence, it was startling. The funk I am in now is similar, but more severe. I feel overwhelming pain, but not my own. I haven't felt badly about my family situation for almost fifteen years.
My only comfort is that these funks didn't usually last until morning. Hopefully this is the case again today, because I have to drive to NH and help friends celebrate their holy union.
Lord - help me be ever mindful of the ways I alter the lives of others. May I bring healing and never destruction or pain. May I bear burdens without creating them. May I depend on Jesus for strength, and see clearly who God uses to bring comfort when I need it.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Rejoice with Those Who Rejoice
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. Broadway (and high school pops concerts) heard this number more times than it can count. The basic premise of this song was that life should be lived in meaningful moments, not just by the ticks of the clock.
Lately I have been improving, but so much of life has been living from one high point to another. In some seasons, the landmarks aren't so much high points as low, but in either case the mundane, every-day was ignored. Having a boring life, as I do, tends to either encourage or discourage this phenomenon. I think it has been a blessing in my case.
What do we miss when we look forward to the weekend, dread an examination (or its results),and close big deals? We miss the blessings that are around us all the time. We miss the blessing of a quiet evening in. We miss the cold drink after a long work out. We miss talking to coworkers or colleagues to learn something new about their lives. We miss the carefully worded lyric that touches you in a special way. I don't mean to say we don't experience these things when we are "landmark living," but we certainly do tend to notice them less.
One very serious command came to the fore in my mind last week. Friends of mine were going through some serious highs and lows. One was resigning his job because there was insufficient work to keep him busy, even though his supervisor was quite satisfied with the quality and quantity of his work. Another ended a 5-year journey in his life by passing the Conneticut Bar exam. In each case I am not sure whether the subject of these events was living for the "landmarks" or not, but because I had been so long without landmarks in my own life (the last would have been in May when I was given affirmation of my call - five months ago!) that I was more able to identify them in the lives of others. There is a selflessness required for a person to notice and genuinely engage in the landmark moments in the lives of those around us.
In Romans 12 we are told how to display love in very specific ways:
9Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
14Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[c] Do not be conceited.
Along with the direct command to "rejoice with those who rejoice; and mourn with those who mourn" is the exhortation to live in harmony with one another. As a musician, harmony means more to me than simply "getting along" with others. You see, each tone that is sounded sets off a series of higher tones, or overtones. These overtones are in intervals we musicians call fourths - each successive tone is a fourth above the one below it. When two tones are sounded at the same time, those tones are said to be in harmony if their respective overtones don't clash. Certainly some tones aren't meant to get along - tones that are adjacent to one another never harmonize and they sound like confusion when played together. And tones that otherwise would harmonize won't if either is even slightly out of tune.
So to live in harmony is a much more active thing than just getting along. We are responsible to know the tone of the one we are to get along with and be in tune with them - in the good and the bad.
Lately I have been improving, but so much of life has been living from one high point to another. In some seasons, the landmarks aren't so much high points as low, but in either case the mundane, every-day was ignored. Having a boring life, as I do, tends to either encourage or discourage this phenomenon. I think it has been a blessing in my case.
What do we miss when we look forward to the weekend, dread an examination (or its results),and close big deals? We miss the blessings that are around us all the time. We miss the blessing of a quiet evening in. We miss the cold drink after a long work out. We miss talking to coworkers or colleagues to learn something new about their lives. We miss the carefully worded lyric that touches you in a special way. I don't mean to say we don't experience these things when we are "landmark living," but we certainly do tend to notice them less.
One very serious command came to the fore in my mind last week. Friends of mine were going through some serious highs and lows. One was resigning his job because there was insufficient work to keep him busy, even though his supervisor was quite satisfied with the quality and quantity of his work. Another ended a 5-year journey in his life by passing the Conneticut Bar exam. In each case I am not sure whether the subject of these events was living for the "landmarks" or not, but because I had been so long without landmarks in my own life (the last would have been in May when I was given affirmation of my call - five months ago!) that I was more able to identify them in the lives of others. There is a selflessness required for a person to notice and genuinely engage in the landmark moments in the lives of those around us.
In Romans 12 we are told how to display love in very specific ways:
9Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
14Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[c] Do not be conceited.
Along with the direct command to "rejoice with those who rejoice; and mourn with those who mourn" is the exhortation to live in harmony with one another. As a musician, harmony means more to me than simply "getting along" with others. You see, each tone that is sounded sets off a series of higher tones, or overtones. These overtones are in intervals we musicians call fourths - each successive tone is a fourth above the one below it. When two tones are sounded at the same time, those tones are said to be in harmony if their respective overtones don't clash. Certainly some tones aren't meant to get along - tones that are adjacent to one another never harmonize and they sound like confusion when played together. And tones that otherwise would harmonize won't if either is even slightly out of tune.
So to live in harmony is a much more active thing than just getting along. We are responsible to know the tone of the one we are to get along with and be in tune with them - in the good and the bad.
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